Relationships and Ulcers

I’m not married.  One day I would like to be married.  Until that time comes, I am spending time watching married couples around me like a hawk to take away all the little lessons I possibly can during my single years that will make me a better wife and partner later in life.  I’ve learned a lot from the people I spend time watching. 

Mom and Dad:  Their relationship has, of course, been foundational in how I think about marriage, husband/wife communication, and raising children.  It reflects both things I think are good ideas and things I don’t plan on repeating.  My Mom always tells my brother and I that we won’t make the same decisions she and dad made – we will make our own.  It’s so true.  In the past, I think Tom and I have gotten a little high and mighty and think we are going to have better marriages and be better parents (that’s definitely a Tom thing as I plan on not being a parent) because we saw the mistakes our parents made and therefore won’t repeat their mistakes.  Having watched my brother in his almost two years of marriage I can see that we aren’t going to make all the same mistakes our parents did (some of them to be sure though) but we are going to make a brand new set of mistakes that belong solely to us. 

Which brings me to…

Tom and Shareana: I’ve learned that marriage is a transitional process and that while you are in the middle of the  lovey-dovey-mush-and-bilge-water crap of the first few months of your relationship as well as the nitty gritty work  of learning how to live together and what give and take truly means, it is important to be cognizant of your relationship with your family.  For example, when and if I find Price Charming, I am going to make sure I come home by myself to visit my family on occasion.  It’s important to be a big, inclusive family, but it’s also important to recognize that this is a relationship change for the people that have been used to having you all to themselves for however many years and that those relationships need special nurturing through this transition.  It’s a balancing act to be sure, but I really think it is important to make sure you are integrating your new other half into the family as well as continuing to build your own individual relationship with your family members which can’t be done if you are connected at the hip 24/7 to the new Mr. and Mrs.   Another thing the brother and sister-in-law have affirmed in my mind is the importance of your own individual activities and friends.  Is it important to do things together…well, duh.  Is it important to spend time together in mutually exciting activities?  You betcha!  Should every spare moment of free time be spent together, should his friends be my friends and vica versa, and should we never do anything unless we are together?  Dear God I hope not because if that is the prerequisite for marriage I am probably going to fail that course.   

And then there is…

Gramma and Grampa: When you have been together over 60 years there is most definitely something there to teach younger generations.  Gramma gave to Grampa in the first half of their marriage in that she moved all over the world so he could pursue is career in the Army.  And now Grampa is giving back to Gramma in that he has let her choose the place and home where they are spending the end of their life right down to the ugly maroon carpet.  If approving of and paying for maroon carpeting isn’t love then, friends, I don’t know what is.  I think I would prefer to have a more give and take in the moment relationship.  I know it worked for Gramma and Grampa but I also know my personality well enough to know that all give for 30 years in exchange for all take in the next 30 years (a slight exaggeration but you get the point) is not going to work for me. 

Which makes me think of…

Brad and Kaylene:  Didn’t expect to see your name here did you, Kaylene?  These two have just recently celebrated their second anniversary so I have been gotten to watch their formative marriage process.  I don’t know if I could have constructed a sentence that sounds more clinical and less personal, but given time I probably could.  Seriously though, this was an opportunity for me to watch a relationship of my peers form.  I watched my brother’s relationship but because I was so close to one half of the relationship I couldn’t really objectively observe.  With Brad and Kaylene I have been able to watch as they give and take in their relationship.  I love the way that Brad genuinely cared for Kaylene through all the ups and downs of grad school.  Friends, there are some serious emotions involved in grad school; my mom had to deal with me most of the time but Brad was helping his new wife.  That’s a lot of pressure, but the way he worked with the stress was impressive.  There were times when he was firm and told her to just let it go and other times when he was gentle and reassuring and still other times where I am sure he missed the boat completely and his response was less than what Kaylene needed.  The point being he tried and I loved that.  Perhaps my greatest learning from this couple came, when at the end of the first year of grad school, Brad applied for and got a job in White Salmon, Washington.  This necessitated a move for the Herman family to Washington…three hours away from Corvallis.  I remember thinking as Kaylene told me Brad had gotten the job, “Wow, that is going to be hard on their marriage.  For her to stay in Albany and him to be in Washington.  I feel for them.”  And then Kaylene told me she was going to move with him and if that meant she didn’t get her Master’s then that is what it meant.  I think a tiny part of my brain blew up at that thought.  I remember actually being mad at Brad that he would jeopardize her degree that way but Kaylene’s response confused me.  She was willing to give up her degree for her family.  I knew in my heart what she was doing was the right thing but I also knew there is no way I would have made that choice (probably why the Lord has not sent Prince Charming my way).  I have watched over and over how the Lord has blessed that choice – which frankly must have been a really super scary leap off a cliff into oblivion and I am so proud of her.  Kaylene has truly set a Godly example for me through how she thinks and works within her marriage. 

Last but not least….

IKEA: I find at this point that I am a little too tired to complete this final section but tune in next time to the great relationship wisdom imparted to me by IKEA. 

All this watching processing, thinking, and learning…relationships are work, a lot of it.  I wonder if they give people ulcers.